I am finding that I am really awful at blogging. I think subconsciously I’m like, “Hey, I’m not doing anything of importance, who wants to read about that?” But what I am starting to realize is that it isn’t for the world. It is for me. Well, for me, for you. Definitely me first, though.
As of today, I think the Wellbutrin is working pretty well. No nasty side effects, seems to be helping improve my mood. I think my doctor needs to up my dosage though. Pretty sure the plan was to go from 150mg to 300mg. So now it’s just a waiting game. The difference between this medication and Cymbalta is night and day. I am so incredibly happy to be off that horrible medicine and to be on something that appears to be helpful.
I’ve also been having some issues with Tricare (Humana Military now), they have been sending me in circles when it comes to a referral for mental health. Constantly I am receiving two different answers: Yes, you need a mental health referral & No you do not. It kind of blows my mind that any insurance would require a referral for mental health services. Most people don’t have 3-5 weeks to wait to acquire one. I personally didn’t. When my brain goes crazy, I need the help right then.
Blah blah blah.
I’ve been trying to be more positive, which is crazy hard. I’m not sure why I immediately go to the worst situation/outcome possible. If you follow my blog, you’ll know that I have been streaming via Twitch. I have been getting super bummed lately when it comes to streaming. I feel like I’m not doing as well as I could be, but I’m not entirely sure what I can change. I have a few viewers here and there, then a bunch of people who lurk for a hot second then leave. I’m not sure if that’s just what happens, or if I am doing something wrong. Like maybe I curse too much or when I smoke my e-cig it isn’t very “lady-like”. Who knows.
On the real though, I’m pretty sure I shouldn’t have to change who I am to appease the masses. Is that what people enjoy watching? Incredibly generic people who change every facet of who they once were just to “make it”? Maybe I am just naive. Maybe I just need to be content with the friends I have made and not worry about the ones who uncheck that little heart in the upper right-hand corner of the web page.
Now I understand that the curve is high. It will take me a while to build a nice audience, to make new friends. When I say I understand, it means I do but I don’t. My brain doesn’t think about how well I have been doing. It only thinks about the totally unrealistic and idyllic goals that someone starting out, such as myself, simply will not attain. I feel like I’m trying to re-train an older dog to not piss on the carpet. If anyone has figured out how to change the way their brain works, let me know. I could use it.
Aside from streaming, I have been seriously been thinking about writing a book. That’s kind of crazy, considering I can’t even keep my website up to date. Despite that, writing a book(s) is something that I have thought about for years. I just never know how to go about it. I think Wattpad may be good. My brain does the same thing though, where it goes straight to the negatives–
“What if my story is awful?
What if my grammar is poor?
What if no one connects with the characters?”
Make. It. Stop.
I need to conquer the brain. I need to sever the stem and construct a new one. A brain that is positive and does Yoga. Positive people do Yoga. I think I also need to come to terms with the fact that positive people aren’t happy all the time. I have never met anyone in my life that is happy all the time. I hope I don’t, to be honest.
Since I can’t build a new brain, I need to be happy with the one I have. I need to stop daydreaming about all of the things I wish I could do and just do them. If the myriad of romance authors can continually pump out the nonsense that has millions of housewives wet in the panties, surely I could create something wonderful. Even if I’m the only person that would think so.
I’ve thought about plastering motivational posters all around my work space.
“You can do it!”
“Only I can change my life!”
Then I realized that that is a ridiculous idea and would make my area look so gross. Whatevs!
Anyway, this is me trying to be better about keeping my website updated. I’ll keep at it, but it may just continue to be me bitching about my brain not working right.
Also, if you’d like to follow me on Twitch, you can do so here: https://www.twitch.tv/paigeot
I stream Monday-Friday 10am-1-2pm EST
Sometimes evenings & sometimes weekends as well.
Stay fly ya’ll.