I know it’s been a while since my Cymbalta post so I want to delve into a little about what is going on with me. The doc put me on Wellbutrin now– Not really sure how this is working out for me yet, intrusive thoughts are still a regular occurrence, can’t turn my brain off, etc. Despite the negatives, I have been trying really hard at… life, I guess.
I have taken a step back from the entire YouTube thing, especially with their policy changes which basically slaps smaller channels in the face. In turn, I have taken to Twitch. Now being a streamer with severe depression and anxiety is interesting, to say the least. Some days I have to force myself to get up and get on webcam. Some days I generally don’t feel like doing anything, but I know that I need to. I seriously don’t know how to function as a normal human being on a daily basis; I think I’m an alien.
I have been streaming pretty regularly for about a month. I think I’m doing an ‘okay’ job at it, really not sure what I could do to improve. Maybe the quality of my stream & the lighting for my webcam, but that’s all cash money which I definitely don’t have extra of. I have also recently started doing a “set stream schedule” which is incredibly daunting to me considering I don’t know how I’m going to feel from day to day. I’m also not really sure what I would say to those that do view my channel, “Hey, sorry guys, I have a debilitating mental health disorder and I just can’t get out of bed today.” — Actually, there are worse ways to let people know something’s up.
On a positive note, I think streaming regularly has (maybe) improved my confidence. Honestly, I’m not sure, hah. I generally don’t have many viewers, but there has been a gradual increase and I do have a few people who stop by my stream regularly. Which I think is normal when you’re just starting out. I’m also not sure if I am promoting my channel properly… generally I just make a post on Twitter & pin it to my wall. I want to grow organically instead of just the like4like bull shit that everyone in the world does. Part of my gets discouraged while streaming though, I feel like if my tits aren’t hanging out for the world to see, then what is the point in watching or having a conversation with me. And yeah, I know as a woman I should feel great that other women are empowered and shit, but what? There are sites for you to sit there half naked doing nothing. I wasn’t aware that this is what Twitch was going for. Maybe I’m just “jealous”, but I’m pretty sure I’m not. I just don’t understand how/why this is a thing. I also think it impedes the “normal” female streamers in a sense that this is what viewers expect of women.
TL;DR- I’m on new medication, I’m streaming, Streaming is good, Streaming is anxiety/depression inducing, fuck YouTube.
I promise I’ll try to be better about updating this thing & if you want to check me out on Twitch you can find me here: https://www.twitch.tv/paigeot
I stream Monday thru Friday starting at 10AM. Weekend & evening times vary.