Diagnosis: PTSD

This is sort of an open letter to those of you that follow me on Twitch & Twitter. This is to let you all peer into my life to try and understand where I am coming from, why I am doing what I am doing and when I will be returning. It may be difficult for some of you to fully grasp the gravity of my situation as it does not affect everyone. For those of you that understand completely, I empathize and hope that you are getting the help you may need.

I’ve been MIA for quite a while. I am currently on a hiatus from just about everything, Twitter, Twitch, most facets of the Internet, et cetera. It was abrupt, but it was necessary. I’m not entirely sure what is going on in this head of mine, but it makes it very difficult to maintain any kind of commitment.

As much as I love streaming, I really, really, need to get my head together; to better understand why I feel the way I feel, how to effectively manage my stress and time and to get a grasp on my anxiety and depression. I will say this: My absence from Twitch/Twitter is not forever. As soon as I come back, I will be sure to make a big scene and let you all know.

Currently I am seeing a Psychologist weekly. My sessions have been going very well, but it seems that there are a lot of things that have happened in my life that are negatively affecting me. Things that I never would have thought would affect me at all. It is still very early in my treatment, but all signs are pointing towards Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Writing that is incredibly difficult. However, having a diagnosis that feels right is a relief. I have spent a countless number of years not knowing what was happening to me. I have been diagnosed with Major Depression, Bi-Polar Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder; none of which felt right or made sense.

Knowing that I have PTSD means I can start to move forward with my life. I can start to receive proper treatment. Once I learn my triggers, hopefully I can effectively cope with them and possibly begin to heal. I am trying to be positive.

I don’t have an end date for when I will be done with treatment and I most certainly don’t have a date in which I will return to Twitch. For now I am just playing it by ear. I have thought that maybe I will randomly stream when I am feeling up to it. If I do pop up one day and stream for an hour or two, it does not mean that I am back for good. You will know when I am back for good.

I hope from this post you are all able to understand why I haven’t been streaming or actively using Twitter. Please know that I appreciate all of the support you fine people have given me and continue to give me; it does not go unnoticed. I love you all.

See you soon.


Just do it already.

I am finding that I am really awful at blogging. I think subconsciously I’m like, “Hey, I’m not doing anything of importance, who wants to read about that?” But what I am starting to realize is that it isn’t for the world. It is for me. Well, for me, for you. Definitely me first, though.

As of today, I think the Wellbutrin is working pretty well. No nasty side effects, seems to be helping improve my mood. I think my doctor needs to up my dosage though. Pretty sure the plan was to go from 150mg to 300mg. So now it’s just a waiting game. The difference between this medication and Cymbalta is night and day. I am so incredibly happy to be off that horrible medicine and to be on something that appears to be helpful.

I’ve also been having some issues with Tricare (Humana Military now), they have been sending me in circles when it comes to a referral for mental health. Constantly I am receiving two different answers: Yes, you need a mental health referral & No you do not. It kind of blows my mind that any insurance would require a referral for mental health services. Most people don’t have 3-5 weeks to wait to acquire one. I personally didn’t. When my brain goes crazy, I need the help right then.

Blah blah blah.

I’ve been trying to be more positive, which is crazy hard. I’m not sure why I immediately go to the worst situation/outcome possible. If you follow my blog, you’ll know that I have been streaming via Twitch. I have been getting super bummed lately when it comes to streaming. I feel like I’m not doing as well as I could be, but I’m not entirely sure what I can change. I have a few viewers here and there, then a bunch of people who lurk for a hot second then leave. I’m not sure if that’s just what happens, or if I am doing something wrong. Like maybe I curse too much or when I smoke my e-cig it isn’t very “lady-like”. Who knows.

On the real though, I’m pretty sure I shouldn’t have to change who I am to appease the masses. Is that what people enjoy watching? Incredibly generic people who change every facet of who they once were just to “make it”? Maybe I am just naive. Maybe I just need to be content with the friends I have made and not worry about the ones who uncheck that little heart in the upper right-hand corner of the web page.

Now I understand that the curve is high. It will take me a while to build a nice audience, to make new friends. When I say I understand, it means I do but I don’t. My brain doesn’t think about how well I have been doing. It only thinks about the totally unrealistic and idyllic goals that someone starting out, such as myself, simply will not attain. I feel like I’m trying to re-train an older dog to not piss on the carpet. If anyone has figured out how to change the way their brain works, let me know. I could use it.

Aside from streaming, I have been seriously been thinking about writing a book. That’s kind of crazy, considering I can’t even keep my website up to date. Despite that, writing a book(s) is something that I have thought about for years. I just never know how to go about it. I think Wattpad may be good. My brain does the same thing though, where it goes straight to the negatives–

“What if my story is awful?

What if my grammar is poor?

What if no one connects with the characters?”

Make. It. Stop.

I need to conquer the brain. I need to sever the stem and construct a new one. A brain that is positive and does Yoga. Positive people do Yoga. I think I also need to come to terms with the fact that positive people aren’t happy all the time. I have never met anyone in my life that is happy all the time. I hope I don’t, to be honest.

Since I can’t build a new brain, I need to be happy with the one I have. I need to stop daydreaming about all of the things I wish I could do and just do them. If the myriad of romance authors can continually pump out the nonsense that has millions of housewives wet in the panties, surely I could create something wonderful. Even if I’m the only person that would think so.

I’ve thought about plastering motivational posters all around my work space.

“You can do it!”

“Only I can change my life!”

Then I realized that that is a ridiculous idea and would make my area look so gross. Whatevs!

Anyway, this is me trying to be better about keeping my website updated. I’ll keep at it, but it may just continue to be me bitching about my brain not working right.

Also, if you’d like to follow me on Twitch, you can do so here: https://www.twitch.tv/paigeot

I stream Monday-Friday 10am-1-2pm EST

Sometimes evenings & sometimes weekends as well.

Stay fly ya’ll.

Been a while.

I know it’s been a while since my Cymbalta post so I want to delve into a little about what is going on with me. The doc put me on Wellbutrin now– Not really sure how this is working out for me yet, intrusive thoughts are still a regular occurrence, can’t turn my brain off, etc. Despite the negatives, I have been trying really hard at… life, I guess.

I have taken a step back from the entire YouTube thing, especially with their policy changes which basically slaps smaller channels in the face. In turn, I have taken to Twitch. Now being a streamer with severe depression and anxiety is interesting, to say the least. Some days I have to force myself to get up and get on webcam. Some days I generally don’t feel like doing anything, but I know that I need to. I seriously don’t know how to function as a normal human being on a daily basis; I think I’m an alien.

I have been streaming pretty regularly for about a month. I think I’m doing an ‘okay’ job at it, really not sure what I could do to improve. Maybe the quality of my stream & the lighting for my webcam, but that’s all cash money which I definitely don’t have extra of. I have also recently started doing a “set stream schedule” which is incredibly daunting to me considering I don’t know how I’m going to feel from day to day. I’m also not really sure what I would say to those that do view my channel, “Hey, sorry guys, I have a debilitating mental health disorder and I just can’t get out of bed today.” — Actually, there are worse ways to let people know something’s up.

On a positive note, I think streaming regularly has (maybe) improved my confidence. Honestly, I’m not sure, hah. I generally don’t have many viewers, but there has been a gradual increase and I do have a few people who stop by my stream regularly. Which I think is normal when you’re just starting out. I’m also not sure if I am promoting my channel properly… generally I just make a post on Twitter & pin it to my wall. I want to grow organically instead of just the like4like bull shit that everyone in the world does. Part of my gets discouraged while streaming though, I feel like if my tits aren’t hanging out for the world to see, then what is the point in watching or having a conversation with me. And yeah, I know as a woman I should feel great that other women are empowered and shit, but what? There are sites for you to sit there half naked doing nothing. I wasn’t aware that this is what Twitch was going for. Maybe I’m just “jealous”, but I’m pretty sure I’m not. I just don’t understand how/why this is a thing. I also think it impedes the “normal” female streamers in a sense that this is what viewers expect of women.

TL;DR- I’m on new medication, I’m streaming, Streaming is good, Streaming is anxiety/depression inducing, fuck YouTube.

I promise I’ll try to be better about updating this thing & if you want to check me out on Twitch you can find me here: https://www.twitch.tv/paigeot

I stream Monday thru Friday starting at 10AM. Weekend & evening times vary.

Peace dawgs.

Cymbalta has ruined my life.

This post is completely irrelevant to what I typically blog about, but it is necessary because it is interrupting my daily life.

I had always struggled with anxiety and depression and growing up I did not have the help I definitely needed. Once I got married I finally thought that it was time to seek the help I needed because in my mind I thought that it wasn’t fair that my husband and step-son had to deal with my problems. Boy was I wrong.

I went to my primary care provider at the time and asked for their opinion, they prescribed 60mg of Cymbalta to be taken daily. I took Cymbalta (Duloxetine) every day for three years. A few things happened: I literally felt nothing, I never cried, I never laughed; I was a robot. I gained a TON of weight, which made me pretty unhappy. I went to therapy where they told me I needed a bunch of other drugs on top of the Cymbalta. This included Lamictal & Abilify. With this wonderful cocktail of drugs I was unable to function on a daily basis. I couldn’t get out of bed. I had no interest in doing things for fun. Basically it sucked. So after a few months I discontinued the use of Lamictal & Abilify, but continued taking Cymbalta, mostly because of the horror stories I read about getting off of this drug.

I lived like this for three years until I finally said enough is enough. I took matters into my own hands. With the help of my primary care provider, a different doctor than the one who originally prescribed Cymbalta, I was able to go down to 20mg a day. The funny thing is that there isn’t a lower dosage than that. So I could have counted all of the time-release beads and slowly decreased the amount of this poison I put into my body, or I could just stop. That’s what I did. I just stopped.

Fast forward to now– It has been three months and I am still experiencing withdrawals. I have headaches (brain zaps) every day, I cry constantly, I am irritated by everything which turns into angry outbursts in an instant. It is debilitating. I have good days, but for the past four days I have been constantly crying, for literally no reason, and I can’t do anything. Which is why there haven’t been any new videos. It isn’t because I don’t want to put new videos up, it’s because I can’t.

Cymbalta has ruined my life. I can’t work a normal job, I can’t go and enjoy a date night, I can’t shut it off. No matter how sad or depressed I was before Cymbalta can compare to what I feel now. This post isn’t fun. This post isn’t entertaining. This post is real. This post is meant to give anyone who reads this a little bit of insight into my life.

I don’t know when the withdrawal symptoms will end. For some people these symptoms last a few weeks to a month, others they can last years. Every day it is looking like I fall into the latter.

I try to be positive, which is hard. My step-son and husband don’t understand– how could they? No one in my household knows how to handle the situation, and to be honest, neither do I. My husband made an appointment for me on Friday to talk to someone new to maybe get some help dealing with what is happening, who knows how that will go. I will be working on getting a new video up as soon as possible, I have already completed the editing, but I don’t have it in me right now to do a new voice over.

If you, or someone you love is experiencing depression. Get help. Talk to someone, but I urge you, look for an alternative to Cymbalta. Do your research & don’t let your doctor push you into taking something you aren’t really sure about.

Two parts? No problem!

Hello, blogosphere! Is that a word…?

A few updates! I recently did a speed build of Fallout Vault in The Sims! Today I edited the 5 hour long video, in less than 12 hours, and I now have a two part video– Which is super exciting! I have been playing The Sims since The Sims 1 released & I have been playing video games for much longer. I play so many games and Fallout has to be one of my favorites! I actually like it more than Elder Scrolls, don’t hate! I just love how raw and gritty it is. So fun. Take a look!

Fallout Vault Sims Edition
Fallout Vault: Sims Edition
Fallout Vault Sims Edition
Fallout Vault: Sims Edition

I tried to really capture what a Vault looks like as best as I could. Honestly, I probably could have made my life much easier if I had used custom content… but I never use custom content. I’m not really sure why, it just never tickled my fancy. I definitely may need to check out some custom content though. Lately I have been seeing some really beautiful creations!

Be sure to keep a look out for this speed build! You can find it here!

If you do like what you see, please subscribe and give my video a big thumbs up! It is always appreciated it!

Moving on..

My husband and I finished our son’s room and he LOVES it. He was SO surprised and it warms my heart so much that such a small person appreciates it. Check out the finished product:

Boys bedroom DIY
New room!
boys bedroom DIY
New room!

He is 7 and is OBSESSED with Star Wars. We tried to incorporate the theme into his new room. The only thing we are waiting for is a storage locker which is awesome! I’m actually kind of jealous of how cool his room is! Our room is definitely next. My husband and I purchased out first home almost 2 years ago… it is a VERY old home so it needs a lot of TLC, but it is ours. So definitely stay tuned for more renovation pictures as well as sim builds and other various video game endeavors!

Until tomorrow, Sul Sul!

Slow and Steady Wins The Race.

After two days of recording, editing, failing to edit, re-editing, doing a voice over, editing a voice over, rendering & finally uploading to YouTube, I am finished. I am hoping that the amount of time it took me to do this one video is a one time thing. I’ve learned a lot and I hopefully will not make the same mistakes again. Fingers crossed!!

This voice over was pretty tough to do, mostly because I had edited out so much of the video. Despite the fact that I turned a 4 hour recording into a 23 minute video, I think I did pretty well! You can see the finished video here: Paigeotto Games if you do stop by and check out my videos, please subscribe & give a big thumbs up!

I have a starter build already recorded that is ready to be edited & that one is a Villa. So I think I’ll be working on that next as well as another home that again isn’t limited to a starter build budget. Part of me wants to do decorating videos– I would go room by room, each would be a separate video, and I would talk in-depth about what is going into each room. I think that could be really fun, especially for a larger home. I also want to start brainstorming some ideas for a Let’s Play; more research is needed.

Nothing to do with The Sims… Rusty Lake: Paradise comes out January 11th and I am SO excited. I’m thinking about adding videos of that game and videos of Last Day of June, which I just picked up on Steam. What do you guys think?!

An update with my sons bedroom, aka real life sims’ing, it is almost done!! It is looking SO good and I can’t wait to show some pictures of the end result!!

Now to summarize this post: slow and steady wins the race & hard work pays off. I can’t wait to share more with everyone!

Until tomorrow, Sul Sul!

Absolutely Exhausted.

So there haven’t been posts in quite a few days, mostly because real life happened and my husband and I have been working on our sons bedroom before he gets back from his grandparents to surprise him. The other reason is I ended up doing a 4 hour recording and it took me TWO DAYS to edit. Day one I ended up losing a bunch of footage so I needed to start over today, day two. I am absolutely exhausted. I am beaten. I am worn. However, I did complete the editing and I am rendering this video as we speak (or as I type).

This video I did decide to create is another speed build (obviously) but instead of it being a starter home, I didn’t put a limit on my spending. I think the final product came out pretty well. Of course when I look at the finished project I am constantly finding faults within it and things that could have been added, but it is good enough. I don’t want to be fine with just, “good enough”, but I need to be. For my sanity. If I’m not okay with it, I will spiral and it will affect my mood for the rest of the week. I do have a little sneaky peak for everyone here:

Sims 4, Unlimited Budget
Sims 4, Unlimited Budget

I never thought I would need to build faster, but that seems to be the case. I’m assuming the longer I do these recordings specifically, the better I will get both at recording & editing them. I feel good. I feel like I accomplished something big. The real challenge will be doing the voice over on this video. I need to talk for almost 10 minutes more than my previous videos. I definitely need to find more talking points!

So I have a few things on my plate… this video being one, I have a third starter home that I recorded and need to edit and I think I want to plan out a Let’s Play. I think that would be really fun, but for some reason is more intimidating to me than just doing a speed build. I dunno, maybe I just need to go for it.

This night is pretty over for me and I will be sure to update soon. Feel free to check out my YouTube Channel here!

Until we meet again, Sul Sul!